Random Access Memories

Some of you know I am buying a house in Spokane Valley, WA right now. I take possession in a few days. And I’m pretty ambivalent about it all.

People keep asking, “Aren’t you happy about this?” or saying “I’m so happy for you!”

Yet I keep thinking, “It’s just a house”.

But we have a VERY materialistic culture, so I understand how a house can be the center of someone’s existence.

Western society tells us that it provides security, safety, and stability to “own” a home.

It is a sign that “I have arrived!”, or “I made it to the top!” of the material ladder.

Well, I’m just not all that materialistic.

Safety and security come from inside, not outside.

A house becomes a possession we invest so much of ourselves in. Take for example how crushing it is when a house floods, or catches fire. Then it’s a horrible tragedy.

When in reality it’s just one more “thing”, and things half lifespans. It’s stone, cement, wood, etc. It is a conglomeration of materials that will all eventually turn to dust or ash the way all things do. We just hope that happens long after we die.

As the Tuareg proverb goes, “Houses are the graves of the living”.

Well, I’m not ready to be buried yet. I just want some space to accomplish things and have friends gather. This is no different than buying a car with more seats to drive more friends around. Nobody says “WHOA! Awesome! You bought a minivan!”

Having that space to do things in is useful, but the “having it” is not what brings me happiness.

People are what matter, things do not.

So here is another batch of photos that show my LEGO campaign.

So recently I went through a nasty breakup.

Friends of mine came down on both sides of the line. Some went with her, some to me. That is to be expected I suppose.

But what happened next I didn’t expect, even tho I probably should have.

You see, I had made the horrible mistake of showing weakness and looking like I needed attention (well, duh, or course I wanted some emotional support) to a group of people that expected me to be anything but that.

They expected me to be a strong alpha male, to act like nothing was wrong, and bury all my hurt.

And they pulled no punches in telling me this.

Those of you that know me, know that almost all of my friends are women. Partly because I find that women understand emotional needs FAR better than males do.

But in this case it was a woman that started this ball rolling on me, and it took me COMPLETELY by surprise.

What sideswiped me even harder is that I had comforted this very same woman more than once before. But it seems that what works one way doesn’t work the opposite.

The lesson from all this? Be much more careful who you show your emotional pain to. I decided based on this to cut my ties to this group altogether.

Which really sucks. I mean, isn’t this the entire reason someone might have friends? To turn to for support?

Well, as it turns out, these people don’t really see each other as “friends” in the first place.

I guess that’s my second mistake isn’t it.

**sigh**