Random Access Memories

So, I’ve mentioned this a few times and some people give me the “WTF?!” reply. They don’t grasp how an extrovert can be shy.

Being an extrovert just means you don’t like being alone. It doesn’t mean you have good social skills or you lack anxiety. It doesn’t mean you’re “good” at getting along with people.

I’ll give you an example.

Tonight I went out to a bit of a party. I dressed up, and when I left I thought that I looked really nice. Didn’t have any worries on the walk all the way there.

I arrived and there were about 40 people in the space. Some soft music was being played. Tons of conversations were already going on.

And as I looked around the realization hit me in the face like a cold fish, “I know none of these people”.

Suddenly they were all far prettier than me, happier than me, more self-confident than me, or on the arm of someone to support them. My overwhelming feeling? I didn’t belong there. I was old, ugly, and not looking happy. (The last one I know was true, the first two were anxiety.) I tried to talk to someone and it ended up extremely awkward, which threw more gasoline on the fire. Normally I can actually handle a decent conversation. I’m sure nobody there thought I was crazy.

So after a few minutes trying to see if there was some way to feel more “in place” and failing, I left. I spent all of ten minutes there.

On the walk home I was upset, ashamed, scared.

And that my friends, is what happens when you’re an anxious and shy extrovert. You end up back home where you don’t want to be because while it sucks to be alone, it’s not terrifying.

You wait and try to find people that understand and can put up with the little quirks, and you rarely if ever jump in the pool without them.